Cancer. Just like the Coronavirus, I never saw it coming.
That’s what gets me the most. Shouldn’t I have intuitively felt something was wrong? My bloodwork was perfect. Pain stabbing me like a knife might’ve been helpful.
Actually, I did have pain. A bothersome ache in my lower right abdomen that radiated to my lower back. But it didn’t hurt that bad, not like brushing your foot against fire urchin in Hawaii (guilty) or being nailed by a car in the crosswalk (yup) or snapping your lisfranc ligament on a trampoline (ay caramba!).
It was just… annoying.
Annoying finally drove me to the ER where they did a CT scan. The doc came in, pulled up a chair and started asking me some questions that flagged my suspicion. Something was wrong.
“We’ve called in a general surgeon. He’s on his way so sit tight. Can we get you anything for the pain?”
Well hey, if you’re offering.
I called Glenn, my husband. “I think you better come down here, luv. Something’s up.”
Turns out they found an easter egg behind my stomach, like the ones placed in video games that take you to secret level stuff.
Now, finding an easter egg in a video game is rad. In your own body?
Not so much.
The tests began immediately: CTs and MRIs from belly to brain coupled with guided needle biopsy to find out just what level this little gem was gonna take me to.
Following the biopsy, I found myself seated with my husband in a bland room next to a sheeted gurney, suburbia sprawled below, car doors slamming, kids running down the street.
Dr. Howard Cheng, Oncologist, walked in. In his hand was a thick file containing all the test results conducted over the past month. Even more important, biopsy and pathology reports.
I watched Dr. Cheng watch me— The Bruce Lee of Doctors as Glenn calls him. Delivers news with a fast, precise karate chop. Ha!
You have neuroendocrine cancer. Ha!
It’s metastasized to lymph nodes in your chest and multiple nodules in your lungs. Ha!
We start chemo immediately. Ha!
You’re going to lose your hair. Uh…
There’s always a hush when the verdict is handed down. No melodrama. No grabbing my husband and clinging to him in soap opera tears. That came later.
I blinked.
I breathed in and out. Glenn breathed next to me. I watched Bruce Lee watch us.
Cartoon-sized words spun in my head: Wait! Whoaaaa! What?!
“Neuroendocrine cancer. It’s rare, not staged, but the fact that it has spread to distant parts of your body… That would categorize it as Stage 4.”
Fuck. Me.
You’re going to lose you hair.
He said that more than once.
Every time I saw him, actually. For a follow-up and at my first chemo appointment. And the 3rd time he said it, I got it.
“You think it’s better that I cut my hair, as if I have some kind of control over it rather than it just coming out in gobs on my pillow.”
He nodded.
In that moment, I got Bruce Lee. Not a sugar-coater, not a hugger, not the guy who’s going to chat around the cupcakes in the break room or show up at the company party wearing antlers. Bruce Lee is the nerd in the corner rifling for answers, seeking ways to help that don’t include a warm deliverance for me but pack a helluva punch to cancer.
I envisioned it.
Bruce Lee sent me up to UCLA Oncology Research and Development to meet with his cohort, Dr. Lee Rosen, who specializes in neuroendocrine cancer. Dr. Rosen informed me Bruce Lee had sent tissue and pathology samples to a molecular biologist and had applied for me to receive immunotherapy, a cutting edge form of cancer treatment where my body’s own cells are used to attack cancer.
Why don’t my cells attack this f*** intruder anyway?
Ah, cancer is a sneaky bitch. It’s the femme fatale of the cell world, a shapeshifter of lore, cloaking itself to appear “normal” all the while maneuvering for world domination in my body.
Bitch.
This is what Bruce Lee thinks about. It’s ALL he thinks about. That he understood the emotional level of despair I was apt to feel over losing my golden locks, that was a bonus.
But as my husband repeatedly reminds me, I’m stubborn. Come from German stock with a splash of Irish, Scottish and Dutch. I’m a cocktail of hard times swirled into 5’2” and the gloves are off. I’m keeping my hair until I don’t.
And in the meantime, I’m buying some fantastic wigs that come in shades of pink and “My Little Pony.”
Despite the whimsical hair shades I know this is no rainbows and unicorn trip. It ain’t a journey I want to go on but that is true for most of us when Change barges in the door without knocking and catches us with our pants down.
So I’m going, weapon in hand and that weapon, is a pen. I’m going to mark this journey for others because, like all stories, there is trial and triumph ahead. I’ll shave my head when the time comes, maybe mark myself up with henna tattoos and pick my pen back up and march.
I believe I’ll make it but there’s a chance I won’t. I honestly cannot believe I’m not secretly wonder woman, immortal forever. Such a bummer.
But I’m not and neither are you. It’s a strange world we find ourselves in today with the Coronavirus putting you all on house arrest, just like me. Hey, do you think we could Skype a game of Twister?
Come along, dear friend. I’m taking your hand in mine as long as I can hold it and we’re going to face these bitches together. In the meantime, maybe we can all finally finish a game of Monopoly.
Thank you Val for your amazing strength and honesty. We will continue to pray for you and everyone with this horrible crisis we are all facing together. God Bless you and everyone with any personal crisis anyone is facing and the crisis we all face together.
Valerie ~~ Your sass, your fight, your determination rivals your strength!! Your creative story telling will be therapeutic for you, but also for each of us who will follow your journey of kicking ass and beating cancer!
What an inspiration you are!! Thank you. You’ve got this!!!!!! ❤️
You just made me cry !! I love your mad writting skills but hate that you are going through this ! Please be our wonder woman and kick this cancers butt. Sending you a virtual hug and lots of love , Merritt
Oh my gosh Val, this was an amazing story to read. You remind me a little of Kris Carr and her book “Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor”. You know you have all the love and support of your Flight Attendant family.
You’re an amazing person and have an incredible energy ! I believe you’re going to get through this fine -and will continue to pray like never before
Hey beautiful, When you graduate from UCLA, let’s go hike that sleeping giant again to celebrate!
Valerie, you are one tough cookie and you will conquer this! Thank you for the words, sharing your journey. You have an army behind you. Love you lovely lady. Lynn
Reading your words filled me with all kinds of emotions. The thought kept coming to me,”My god she’s an amazing writer” once in awhile I read a writer and I think”I want to be friends with her” and of course it doesn’t happen. This time it did.Valerie speaks that language. I’m proud to say my friend Valerie has a way with words AND is a fighter! Keep your pen at the ready.
Valerie your story is such an inspiration as you are
Stay positive and keep that sense of humor. We are
All praying for you… you go gurl❤️
Valerie, I love you, my sister flight attendant. You are such a beautiful woman at your very core. It’s been hard for me to even accept that this story is you.
My first thought also, was Whoa! Wait! What??? , “Valerie?”, my dear dear friend Valerie????? You’re very inspirational how you are dealing with life, even when the hard balls come flying straight at you! Know that you are deeply loved and prayers are said daily for you! Stay strong, stay tough! We love you! I love!
You are Wonder Woman!!!!! You Are an Amazing writer! Thank you for sharing your journey with us❤️Im in for twister😂You make me smile and laugh and inspire me to be a warrior just like you. Cancer and coronavirus are a Bitch! You nailed it!
We stand with you in this fight! We love you and admire you’re sas! Cancer messed with the wrong girl!
Ahhh girl. This is some tough news. Sending all of the love and all of the prayers.
Valerie – you are an amazing woman! You are heavy in our thoughts and hearts. Sending lots of fire to keep you fighting.
Let’s kick that bitch to the street. You do it by keeping up your physical fight and I’ll do it by putting up my spiritual dukes and slaying it with prayer. Amazing things can happen with prayer, and I hope you are ok with my form of ass-kickery. So much love to you. Keep writing. It’s healing for your support team!!!!!!!
Oh my goodness babe I absolutely love love love your story( no wonder you’re such an awesome writer) but ,love you even MORE❤️
Every word just tugged at my heart… F#@& cancer!!!! And you are Wonder Woman you’re going to beat this… and you’re going to kick cancers ass 💪🏽 I love you girl and I’m here for you with anything you need at all. Let me know when you feel up for some company 💋xoxo
Love you, Valerie!! 💕💕💕Believing with you and for you!! You are more than a warrior! You’re clothed with strength and love and so many all around you!! All of Heaven is cheering for you..:and so are we! 🙏💕💕💕💕 Blessings to you friend and sister!! 😘
You are in our prayers Val. We’re very proud of you for making the decision to use your amazing writing talent to fight through this crisis you’re facing. You will touch and inspire many people as you take them along on your journey and hopefully in return you will receive all the love and support you need to sustain your positive attitude and invincible spirit! Thank you for trusting us to help you through this! We love you! ❤️❤️
Adorable . You got this.. God knows you have 9 lives! Hugs my friend. Keep that pen going your writing is inspiring.
What a beautiful spirit 💛 sending prayers. You’re an amazing woman. I want to follow you on your journey to support your courage and because of your willingness to be so open:honest you can help us all….
You got this sister you have always been a fighter! 🙏🏻😇
Valerie,
My zebra sister! You keep on kicking that cancers ass you gorgeous warrior! Keep smiling that beautiful smile, you have so. We are praying for you. Sending you so much love!
Oh Sweet Pea! You are amazing in the way you are telling your story! You are a Warrior Woman. You can fight this! Actually I am excited about the wigs. You can be whoever you want to be! Stay strong, you are not in this alone! We got your back Sister!!
You know I am your personal wig guru, girl. I have so many ideas!
Dear Valerie…
you radiate light, love and strength and in not time at all you’ll be flying higher than ever!!!! The power of your writing connects people and makes them feel at ease.
I advice you (if you are not doing it already) to meditate daily to channel your higher power….one day I’d like to have a layover with you in Hawaii and perhaps you can teach on how to surf!!
Kindly
your friend
Valerie you were always a great writer and story teller! Your vivid revelation of what, how, when and emotions will stay in the minds of us all as we walk together in this world of aging. Thank you so much for sharing and helping us feel strong with you! You go girl!
Don’t take this women lightly. She is my family and although we have not seen each other in years, I know of which she is made. Sweetness, snarkiness, toughness, darkness & light, with a touch a hardness and a lot of crazy. Fight hard Val. I love you 💜
Clearly this neuroendocrine situation is doing nothing to blunt your creativity Val! If anything it may be fueling an increase, which is awesome as you have chosen to fight with your pen. Mightier than the sword, isn’t that the old saying? Go Val!! Behind you 100% and all the way through your journey. Thank you for sharing your beautiful gift with us.
Valerie, Darrell Ludders shared this with me since I have been going to UCLA for 3 years now every 21 days. It is a wonderful place with tremendous medical personnel. I have stage 4 kidney cancer and am now doing great. . .. headed out to play golf and enjoy the sunshine later today. Courage in the Lord! He will be with you.
Cancer has nothing on you! Love your positive spirit. Sending you all the positive vibes I’ve got!
Val, YOU INSPIRE ME!!! You are so full of GRACE , but, yet you are a badASS BITCH! So proud to call u a friend and I know you will conquer this! I love you girl and and praying for your quick recovery! Xoxo, Tami
Val…You are such a talented writer. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. Thank you so much for telling us the details of the way you found out. Not in a million years would one ever think this. You are truly a beautiful person inside and out. You are so fit and lean and just in incredibly great shape. YOU of all people have got this, I feel it in my gut… I love that you are taking your pen to action and it is now your magic weapon and i think your magic wand. I look forward to reading all that you write 🙂 Thank you Val and yes..I too and sending you positive energy to you daily !
Val, you are an amazing woman, beautiful both inside and out! Keith and I love to get together with you and Glenn at David and Jan’s house on Christmas Eve every year. It is fun to be in your presence!!!!
Your writing skills are beyond incredible and you have an amazing talent with words. I love your fun loving personality and your positive attitude. I know many people are praying for you and you are special to God!
☮️💝🙏🏻
Tell Glenn to give you a big ol Kim hug from me, full of strength!
Open up that can of whoop ass girl 💪🏻
Val, if anyone can beat this it’s you! Mentally and physically and I’ll keep praying until I read the good news!!!